Why going back home can be dangerous - Module 7

C1 Advanced · Multiple Choice Reading · Advanced Expert Coursebook, Pearson Education

You are going to read an article about family visits. For questions 1–6, choose the answer (A, B, C or D) which you think fits best according to the text.

An American psychologist discusses the downsides of a family visit after a person has left home to live independently. A friend of mine, Julia, recently took her boyfriend along on a visit to her parents’ house. It was the first time he’d met her parents, who he found to be kind, laid-back people, and certainly not critical in any way. Yet several times during the visit, he noticed Julia’s voice take on an uncharacteristically high-pitched tone as she defensively reacted to seemingly innocent comments from her parents. When he mentioned this observation on the drive home, Julia was taken aback by how his description of what she had said sounded like her teenage self arguing with her parents over their strict, controlling style. It is not uncommon for people returning to visit their parents to react in this way. Although there are obviously real joys in reconnecting with one’s loved ones, the downside is that it can stir up implicit memories. These are memories that exist deep down and can surface without conscious awareness, automatically triggering feelings we had in the past. Dr Daniel Siegel, author of The Mindful Brain, says that, ‘When we retrieve an element of implicit memory into awareness we just have the emotional response without knowing that these are activations related to something we’ve experienced before. This is distinct from an explicit memory – a concrete experience that exists in our minds, such as learning to ride a bike.’ It is implicit memories which make it possible to experience even a seemingly pleasant visit home while at the same time unconsciously taking on the identities and attitudes we had as children and reacting as we would have done then. If Julia’s boyfriend hadn’t made her aware of her childlike reaction, she would in all likelihood have carried on being defensive or defiant in less appropriate situations. This regression to the past would not seem so significant if it was restricted to interactions with parents but the closer someone gets to another person the more we let them mean to us, the more likely it is that the strong feelings we have will spark off sub-conscious memories from early relationships. When this happens, negative feelings are re-experienced that are irrelevant to the present. The impact is particularly obvious in romantic relationships, but can be observed in many areas of people’s personal and professional lives. When someone has an emotional reaction to something, for example, something a boss said, it’s helpful for them to evaluate how they feel. When a feeling is particularly intense, it indicates a connection to childhood occurrences. The more people fail to recognise the way they have grown up and differentiated themselves from their parents, the more likely they are to act out old behavioural patterns in their current life. Of course, not all parental influences are negative. Yet it’s an unfortunate fact that children are more likely to be affected by a single destructive outburst from a parent than by a series of positive experiences with them. This is simply because humans are programmed to remember what scares them. Even the most aware of parents have lapses in which they lose their temper or fail to respond sensitively to their children. Sadly, it’s in these moments that children tend to identify with their parents or internalise the message being communicated to them. For example, if a parent accused a child of being lazy whenever the parent was feeling overwhelmed with work, the child would be more likely to identify themselves as lazy and still hear this accusation in their heads as adults. Why should this be? If a parent suddenly responds with harsh anger, the size difference alone between an adult and a child causes a difference in the way we perceive things. While the child experiences the adult’s angry outburst or severe annoyance as intensely threatening, to the adult the interaction is just something that irritated them at the time. When children feel frightened by the very person they depend on for survival, they don’t know which way to turn; they want to both run towards and away from the parent. Their only solution is to unconsciously identify with the parent’s point of view, finding it too emotionally threatening, not to mention physically impossible, to fight back. By remaining aware of what triggers reactions from the past, people are less likely to recreate past scenarios and relive the emotions they produced. The more people make sense out of implicit memories and construct a cohesive narrative of their lives, the more they can live free from the limitations created by the past.

She blamed her parents for her unusually negative attitude that day.

She found it difficult to accept that criticism of her attitude was justified.

She was surprised to realise that she had reverted to old patterns of behaviour.

She was annoyed at having the issue of the relationship with her family brought up.

How did Julia react to her boyfriend's comments, following the visit to her parents' home?

it can remind them of negative events that happened in the past.

it can make them feel as if they are being treated like children again.

it is necessary for them to re-establish a good relationship with the family.

it can cause them to have unexpectedly strong reactions to the experience.

In the second paragraph, the writer suggests that it's difficult for people to visit their old family home because

it can be harmful to potential relationships with loved ones.

it can complicate relationships between parents and children.

it can impede their transition into becoming mature adults.

it can give rise to a rebellious attitude towards authority figures.

In the third paragraph, the writer says that unless people are aware of what can trigger negative behaviour,

the stress they are under is passed on to their children.

their children fail to understand what they have done to upset them.

their children lose sight of the good points of their relationship.

Available as a free printable PDF worksheet with an optional answer key.

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