Why Making Friends as a Grown-Up Is Scary - Unit 5

C1 Advanced · Multiple Matching · Ready for C1 Advanced 4th Edition Workbook, Macmillan Education

You are going to read a newspaper article about making friends in adulthood. For questions 1–10, choose from the sections (A–E). The sections may be chosen more than once.

When I relocated from London to rural Denmark, I found myself lonely and far from home. I’d gone from having lots of friends but no time to see them, to a place where I had all the time in the world and no-one to spend it with. I realised that I was going to have to start all over again and make a whole new set of friends. There was a woman with great hair, who I became convinced was key to cracking the social shell of my newly adopted homeland. But when I suggested meeting at a local café, she said, ‘No.’ I went anyway, just to get out of the house, and found her already there with other people. Three months later, I thought I’d ‘arrived’ when she invited me on a girls’ weekend. I accepted, then found out I was only asked because there’d been a dropout and she’d have lost the deposit on the hotel room otherwise. Once the sting of rejection had subsided, I conceded defeat and turned my attentions elsewhere.

After a year of making an effort, I formed a tight-knit gang of new friends. But then the prospect of moving again loomed and I realised I was still anxious about forming new bonds. So, this time, I sought help. I began researching techniques for becoming more resilient and adapting to change and got in touch with Irene S Levine, a psychologist and professor of psychiatry. I asked her why making friends as a grown-up can feel so daunting. ‘It’s because the ‘rules’ of friendship are so vague,’ she told me. ‘It’s easy making friends when we’re children. Five-year-olds can just say, “Do you like swings? I like swings! Let’s be friends!” For adults, it’s trickier.’ But friendships are important for our health and well-being. ‘Having close friends has been proven to reduce stress and anxiety, decrease your risk of depression, promote a sense of belonging and lower the heart rate, as well as reducing cholesterol and decreasing blood pressure,’ says Levine.

With more of us forced to relocate for work, as well as changes in circumstance or life stage, many of us are missing out on time with friends. And making new ones can be tough. ‘I’ve been surprised by how hard I’m finding it,’ says Kim, a mother of two. ‘I’ve been trying to start conversations with the mums at my daughter’s preschool, but it’s clear that they aren’t interested in “new friends”. It makes me feel like I’m at school again.’ Christina, who recently moved out of London, agrees. ‘I had a lot of failed attempts at chatting to new people, as well as panicking and swapping phone numbers with random women I never called because I was too chicken. I found the whole experience exhausting,’ she says.

Dr Steven Howell, a psychology professor, studied the science of establishing new friendships and concluded that a night out is the best place to start. Exchanging confidences and taking risks together is apparently essential. Researchers found that those who tackled a crisis together, even something small like how to get home at the end of the night, were more likely to become close than people who didn’t share dramas. I set out to road-test Dr Howell’s theory. But I wanted an extra confidence boost first, so I asked Charna Halpern, an improvisation comedy expert, to give me a crash course in a technique called ‘Yes, and …’ ‘The basic idea is about saying “yes” to each other,’ Halpern explained. ‘Truly listening, staying in the moment and then offering something more to progress the conversation. Great things happen when you say, “Yes, and …” If you’re shy, it helps you focus on the other person. If you’re naturally confident, it improves empathy – and someone who empathises makes a good friend.’

Inspired, I resolved to put ‘Yes, and …’ to the test. I met a girl who was new in town and suggested going out. She agreed, then in the spirit of ‘Yes, and …’, we ended up making dinner plans with a third woman. Because I was following a proven technique, the encounter felt easier somehow. Practising ‘Yes, and …’ meant the conversation flowed effortlessly, and within half an hour, my cheeks ached with laughter. I made it home just before dawn, aware that I was going to feel terrible when the alarm (my toddler) went off. But it was worth it, I told myself. Six months on, I’m delighted to report that my new friendships are lasting ones. The kind you can rely on for moral support after a terrible day; who’ll bring over Danish pastries when you’re ill; friends you want to celebrate life’s highs and lows with. In other words: keepers.

Why Making Friends as a Grown-Up Is Scary

and how to do it anyway

how a new approach made things easier?

a sudden dramatic change in her social life?

a social event that lasted longer than expected?

the value of sharing bad experiences with others?

an apparent success which wasn’t all it seemed?

someone who sees a similarity between making friends as children and adults?

an expert who taught her a new technique?

the medical benefits of a healthy social life?

a person who was afraid of contacting people she had met?

a decision to do things differently the next time she was facing a similar challenge?

Available as a free printable PDF worksheet with an optional answer key.

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