I Learnt to Argue Less - Page 28

C2 Proficiency · Gapped Text · Ready for C2 Proficiency Workbook, Macmillan

You are going to read a newspaper article. Seven paragraphs have been removed from the article. Choose from the paragraphs A–H the one which fits each gap (1–7). There is one extra paragraph which you do not need to use.

I want to know why I feel this need to argue. For political adviser and campaigner Alison Goldsworthy, some divisions are perfectly fine, healthy and normal. 'Life would be exceedingly boring if we all agreed all the time,' she tells me, reassuringly.

Listening to someone explain how rather than why is powerful, says Goldsworthy. 'It's much easier to take in new information or accept we might be wrong when we realise someone has had a different experience to us.'

Of course, not everyone feels this way. Some people do not feel the need to force their point of view through relentlessly. But if you're never in conflict, it might not be that you're perfect, but rather that you surround yourself with too many like-minded people.

To my shame, I once left a colleague in tears at a Christmas party for labelling her love of McDonald's 'pathetic'. I can be both blunt and sharp. This time I held my tongue. Well, almost.

On top of that, organising our world-view according to this Star Wars morality of good and evil literally releases the feel-good hormone oxytocin. Oxytocin is typically linked to warm, fuzzy feelings and shown in some research to lower stress and anxiety. The more you engage in feel-good behaviours, the more oxytocin you get.

I'm guilty of this reluctance to seek out alternative viewpoints. Listening skills are what I've been trying to work on, but there's always that nagging need to state my opinion and have it validated rather than undermined by reasoned arguments.

While I've carried on trying to avoid arguments, I've admittedly had rather limited success. Years of speaking my mind have left me oblivious to barbed comments when I'm handing them out, but sensitive when I predictably get them right back. I've realised that I've got a lot of listening still to learn.

So how do we break out of this need to make everything binary? Goldsworthy explains that the problem is often how tightly a person holds onto a view, rather than how extreme the view is.

I said that as we were unlikely to come to agreement on the subject, perhaps it was best not spoken about at all. While I aspire to zen-like calm, my motivation really was just argument fatigue.

In their book, Poles Apart, Goldsworthy and her co-authors Alexandra Chesterfield and Laura Osborne examine why we are so prone to be drawn into rival, often deeply antagonistic factions. It's all part of a natural process, says Goldsworthy: 'Our brains like to classify things to help us. Historically this was, "Is this berry safe or not safe for me to eat?" And often it's helpful. But in the modern world there's much more information, and while these categorisations help us to cope, they're not always helpful.'

'It can be a self-esteem and status thing,' says Goldsworthy. 'About how others perceive you. There can be big costs to changing your mind. It absolutely ties to status and threat.' And once we dig down in our views, it makes it hard for us to take in new information and remain cognitively flexible: 'It becomes part of your identity. Once something becomes part of your identity you feel it more strongly.'

Goldsworthy says that people who end up in such social (and social media) echo chambers are actually more likely to be politically active and educated. 'The problem with that is that it makes it hard to take people with you if you don't spend any time with them. And also because sometimes people you don't agree with might have a point!'

Can you remember the last time you changed your mind? It's a question that people find really hard to answer, says Goldsworthy. A technique that can help loosen a person's view is to ask them how they came to hold their position, rather than why. It's only when we're actually asked to explain a concept that we come face to face with our limited understanding of it.

I can see how this might have got me out of some argumentative pickles in the past. However, I tell Goldsworthy that I've latterly tried to turn over a new leaf: 'Hats off to you. What you're going through is really unusual. We like to sort things into goodies and baddies. Living in the grey is effortful and tiring. So people don't like to do it. And who can blame them? Life is tough.'

Fortunately our institutions have been designed to try to override such biases. 'It's why an innovation team will have someone from HR, finance and other parts of a business. It's about trying to break out of your silo in the way you're thinking,' says Goldsworthy. So next time you're faced with someone who holds a different opinion from you, perhaps embrace the opportunity to understand them better. You might even learn to change your mind.

At a dinner with friends, one of my fellow guests revved up for what promised to be a vehement denunciation of all things Western. Ordinarily, I might have taken the bait. I am no stranger to a social Pyrrhic victory, whereby I hold forth as milder souls, caught in the crossfire, look upon the wreck of a formerly enjoyable evening. ___ I said that as we were unlikely to come to agreement on the subject, perhaps it was best not spoken about at all. While I aspire to zen-like calm, my motivation really was just argument fatigue. ___ In their book, Poles Apart, Goldsworthy and her co-authors Alexandra Chesterfield and Laura Osborne examine why we are so prone to be drawn into rival, often deeply antagonistic factions. It's all part of a natural process, says Goldsworthy: 'Our brains like to classify things to help us. Historically this was, "Is this berry safe or not safe for me to eat?" And often it's helpful. But in the modern world there's much more information, and while these categorisations help us to cope, they're not always helpful.' ___ 'It can be a self-esteem and status thing,' says Goldsworthy. 'About how others perceive you. There can be big costs to changing your mind. It absolutely ties to status and threat.' And once we dig down in our views, it makes it hard for us to take in new information and remain cognitively flexible: 'It becomes part of your identity. Once something becomes part of your identity you feel it more strongly.' ___ Goldsworthy says that people who end up in such social (and social media) echo chambers are actually more likely to be politically active and educated. 'The problem with that is that it makes it hard to take people with you if you don't spend any time with them. And also because sometimes people you don't agree with might have a point!' ___ Can you remember the last time you changed your mind? It's a question that people find really hard to answer, says Goldsworthy. A technique that can help loosen a person's view is to ask them how they came to hold their position, rather than why. It's only when we're actually asked to explain a concept that we come face to face with our limited understanding of it. ___ I can see how this might have got me out of some argumentative pickles in the past. However, I tell Goldsworthy that I've latterly tried to turn over a new leaf: 'Hats off to you. What you're going through is really unusual. We like to sort things into goodies and baddies. Living in the grey is effortful and tiring. So people don't like to do it. And who can blame them? Life is tough.' ___ Fortunately our institutions have been designed to try to override such biases. 'It's why an innovation team will have someone from HR, finance and other parts of a business. It's about trying to break out of your silo in the way you're thinking,' says Goldsworthy. So next time you're faced with someone who holds a different opinion from you, perhaps embrace the opportunity to understand them better. You might even learn to change your mind.

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